No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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