I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
