I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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