your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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