he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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