I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
