I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
