I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize