i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
