I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
