make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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