I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
