dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
