I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
