great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
