I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
