Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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