this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
