i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
