i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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