good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
