Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
