got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
