Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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