If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
