we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
