Swine flu. Run for my life!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
