maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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