gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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