The maid of honor just puked.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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