I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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