nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
