im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
