I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
