I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
