You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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