dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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