He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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