Your mouth is God's brothel.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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