If that was your dad, he is hot
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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