Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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