Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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