I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
