i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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