I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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