Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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