Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
