the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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