walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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