So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
