it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We have started to decorate penises.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
