Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
