It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Randomize
