wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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